You want what now?

What to do when donors ask for something on the side.

Hit with “on the side” requests? Try a polite “No” instead.

Remember the 80s RomCom When Harry met Sally? In one of the diner scenes Sally orders a slice of apple pie a la mode, but with the following caveats: "I'd like the pie heated, and I don't want the ice cream on top; I want it on the side. And I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it.” The waitress stares incredulously, then Harry tosses some shade her way. “‘On the side’ is a very big thing for you,” he says.

On the side. What is this really? Is it something withheld or something extra added? Is it a special addition to be accommodated? Fundamentally I see “on the side” requests as a demonstration of power that puts additional expectations on the recipient of the requests. And because waitstaff depend on tips, failure to nail the “on the side” can hit the ol’ wallet pretty hard.

In fundraising, we deal with “on the side” requests all the time. And like waitstaff, we’re a very obliging bunch. Over my 20+ years in major and principal donor fundraising, I’ve worked with dozens of prospective donors who’ve made shameless “on the side” requests. Extra graduation tickets and preferred parking at events, admissions help for children, grandchildren, and even people of tangential (or no!) relation. Fundraisers at some Universities even get requests for “access to Deal Flow”, code for early investment opportunities at start-up companies. I’ve been asked for all these: “How much do I need to give to get my (son/daughter) admitted?”, “Can I get a few extra Commencement tickets?”, “Can I use Staff Parking during my visit?” and my new favorite, “How can I get access to seed-stage companies?”

(I tell this last group, with a hayseed look on my face: “If you think I can get you access to the next big investment opportunity, do you really think I would be doing this shit?”)

What’s implied here is that a fundraiser’s failure to procure the tickets or special parking or seed investment opportunities will result in revoked donations.

And early in my career, I bent over backward when hit with “on the side” requests from prospective donors. I was eager to please and hoped that my service would lead to additional donations to my organization. But even when I secured extra commencement tickets or preferred parking or a private conversation with the admissions officer (who would state, unequivocally, that donations don’t factor into the admissions process), in reality, the donations didn’t follow. In fact, what followed was usually…more requests.

And more fundraiser gymnastics. And more expectations of special treatment. More…and more…and more…on the side.

When you’re a pleaser (like me) you want to make people feel valued and happy. And it took me a long time, and a lot of experiential evidence, to decline all “on the side” requests. That’s because it helps to weed out the potential benefactors motivated by altruism from those who use their wealth as a lever for preferential treatment.

This helped me focus my energies on service, cultivation, and stewardship to my truly altruistic donors, and reduced (or even eliminated) the concierge-please-please-please-like-me-and-give-a-gift approach all too common in our profession, and one that leads you down a rabbit hole of misery.

So if you are a fundraiser working with a prospective donor who’s asking for something on the side, give a polite “no” a try. It might feel uncomfortable at first - you’re a pleaser after all - but you’ll be surprised at how counterintuitively effective it can be.